My father died from smoking

I want to begin today with a little story. My parents were divorced when I was three, and for six long years, I didn't see my Dad. Now a boy needs his Dad to come to the football game and say, "You played well, son. I'm proud of you — you're my boy!" He needs his Dad's hugs, encouragement, guidance and love. I didn't have that, and it was hard for me. A girl needs her Dad, too.

Some of you in the audience do not have your biological father living at home with you, and you share the situation I remember. How do you feel about that? Are you angry, or sad, or maybe a little afraid, not having him around as much as you would like? Or a combination of feelings?

Today we're going to spend some of our time taking about our feelings. How did I feel? At times, I felt angry, sad and afraid without my Dad around.

For six years, I really missed him. When I was nine, I got the idea to write him a letter. It said, 'Dear Dad — I want to meet you. Where are you?' He was traveling at the time, and amazingly, my little letter was forwarded seven times from city to city. By a miracle, it got into his hands and he sent for me. I remember the day I first got word that he wanted to meet me, and I was jumping up and down with joy.

When the big day came at last, and they showed me into the room where he was, I was saddened to find my Dad lying down, on his back, gasping for breath. He was dying from emphysema, caused by smoking the cigarettes that made our family wealthy.

I only got to see him on five visits after that, and every time, he was increasingly sick and frail, and counting the time he had left to live.

My Dad died from smoking I was 15, and that was hard. Later, my aunt and oldest brother would die because they smoked. That's why I chose to totally turn my back on my family's former tobacco business and walk away — and to do everything in my power to connect with young people, and persuade them to stay tobaccofree.

I also did it because doing this work, I have been able to make a difference. It's feels wonderful to contribute to the lives of others — to be of service.

So those are two reasons I chose to devote my life to the tobaccofree cause. In 1989 I founded The Foundation for a Smokefree America, and I'll dedicate myself to this work for the rest of my life.

If I could give you just one message today, it would be this: smoking is extremely addicting. Once you start, you may not be able to stop — ever. And the same is true for drugs and alcohol.

I can't emphasize this enough — some of you may not ever be able to stop, if you start smoking or chewing tobacco.

How long does it take to get hooked? A September 2000 study showed that one quarter of 11 to 13 year olds who smoke as few as two or three cigarettes a day become addicted in just two weeks. And many of the rest got addicted shortly after that.

Once hooked, the average smoker is unable to stop for seventeen years! And every year, they will spend $1200 or more on tobacco products, to maintain their addiction.

What could you buy with the money you would save in two years? How about your first car! Over 10 years, you would save $12,000!

Photo by Visible Light / Mickey Krakowski

In this powerful and motivating section of his anti-smoking assembly program, Mr. Reynolds discusses tobacco advertising. The vivid stories and facts he relates in his anti-tobacco talks are designed to empower youth to resist the onslaught of cigarette ads and peer pressure.

Using the anti-smoking ads below, Patrick makes great fun of tobacco advertising. He emphasizes that smoking looks very un-cool, and is no longer socially acceptable.

Both middle school and high school youth enjoy this section of his anti-tobacco assembly program. Humor is a key ingredient of his talks.

We've all seen the ads for Marlboro Country, with images of beautiful country scenes, wild horses galloping, and rugged, masculine cowboys around a fire, or on horseback. Well, if tobacco ads told the truth, here's what the real Marlboro Country might look like:

Mr. Reynolds shows these overheads. Anti-smoking art by Adbusters

Notice that we see several smokers, outside their office building in the cold, getting their fix of nicotine — because they're addicted. They're not welcome inside the building. People just don't want to be around their smoke. Often it's not legal to smoke indoors, because second hand smoke can seriously hurt others.

The fact is, today almost four out of five people in the USA do not smoke. Think about this: nowadays, being a nonsmoker is the norm.

It's difficult and painful to put up with the anti-tobacco attitudes so many people have today.

Why choose a path that is just about guaranteed to bring you rejection?

I don't like the Utter Fool anti-smoking ad. Why? Because we're calling somebody a fool. It's just not a very effective way to communicate or persuade. The listener will just tune out if you call them a name.

I want to stop for a moment, and talk about how we can better communicate with each other.

OK, I need a volunteer. I'd like someone who has a friend or loved one they want to ask to quit, or to not smoke in the house. The other requirement is that you be able to give that person two honest compliments. He selects a volunteer.

Mr Reynolds: So who do you want to ask to quit smoking, or not smoke in house?

Student: My Mom.

Mr Reynolds: Okay, I need a second volunteer to be Mom. Who wants to be Mom?

He chooses a student to play Mom. Students often laugh in delight at this.

Okay. Do you want to ask Mom here to quit, or just not smoke inside?

Student: To quit.

Mr Reynolds: Okay. Start with an honest complement. In general, that's a good idea whenever you want to say no to anyone about anything. It's helpful and effective to start with an honest compliment and a smile, and say, for example, "Hey, Mom, that dinner you made last night was great!" "Oh, it was?" Your parent or friend will open up, and will be all ready to really hear what you have to say next. Of course, your compliment must be true, honest, and from your heart. So what's an honest complement to give Mom, who's standing right here?

Student: (Thinks) Mom, I like your hair-do.

Mr Reynolds: OK, Mom, how does that feel?

Mom: That feels good!

Mr. Reynolds (to other student): Now don't use but, as it totally undoes the nice words you just said. Instead, use and. Then follow with I feel, and tell them the emotion you are honestly feeling when you see them smoke.

"You're my best friend, and we have a lot of fun hanging out. I feel afraid when I see you smoke. I'm worried your second hand smoke will hurt me, and you too. I want you to put out that cigarette now, please! And you know what? I'm really glad we're friends."

Mr Reynolds: In summary, if you call someone a fool, you lose them. They tune out. On the other hand, if you approach them in a warm, friendly manner and tell what you're feeling, your friend or loved one will open up, and really hear what you have to say.

The result? You'll be a more effective communicator. It's powerful and very persuasive to express your feelings, and it feels good, too. We'll come back to that.

Here's another anti-smoking ad. Some of you will remember that not so long ago, the tobacco company my Grandfather started, R.J. Reynolds Tobacco, used a cartoon camel to promote its Camel brand. Most of us remember Joe Camel. He was cool, he wore sunglasses, and he was shown at the beach with girls in bikinis around him, or in front of fancy sports cars, or playing the sax, or hanging out at a pool hall called Joe's Place.

Well, if tobacco advertising told the truth, here's what Joe Camel would really look like: (Mr. Reynolds shows this anti-smoking slide.)

- Art by Adbusters -

Click for JOE'S LAST WORDS

Joe is lying down, sick from smoking! He's got a needle in his arm to get the chemotherapy medicine, whose purpose is to cure, or at least slow down, his cancer. It made his hair fall out! His friends are all gone, he's all alone, and his days as an athlete are over. And he's in terrible, awful pain, and knows he's going to die.

Joe might be saying, "I wish I hadn't smoked. I conned a lot of kids into thinking smoking was cool, and I'm sorry! And I'm sorry I smoked. I'm dying of cancer. Just look at me now! Please — whatever you do, don't smoke!"

So that's what tobacco ads would look like, if they told the truth about tobacco and smoking.

He also shows slides of more recent ad campaigns targeting youth, including several of those below.

Some teens are not so concerned about the risk of disease later in life. But the fact is, cigarettes cause emphysema, lung cancer and heart disease, and 4 out of every 10 smokers later die from their addiction to tobacco. Nearly all of them got hooked as teens.

According to a new US Surgeon General's Report issued in May, 2004, smoking is even worse than previously thought. It damages virtually every organ in the body.

In the US, smoking causes 1 of every 5 deaths. Cigarettes kill 1,200 Americans every day — a tragic death toll of 420,000 Americans each year.

Around the world, smoking now kills five million people every year. In the US, 22.5% of adults, or a bit more than one in five, are addicted to smoking. But because smoking rates in Europe and Asia are so much higher, on average, one in three adults worldwide smoke. And smoking kills 4 out of every 10 smokers.

If we do the math, this means that in coming decades, cigarettes will actually kill 500 million people — and all of them have already been born. That's nine percent of the present world population. It means that almost 1 of every 10 people now alive on earth will die because of tobacco use. These statistics come from the United Nations World Health Organization, headquartered in Geneva, Switzerland.

Every day in the US, 2,000 teens become newly addicted to smoking. Think about it: most will not be able to quit for 17 years, and over 800 of those teens will later die from cigarettes.

How do you feel about that?

Let's take a closer look at cigarette advertising. Would you object to being manipulated mentally? Well, tobacco ads are designed to play with your mind.

In January, 1998, Democratic Congressman Henry Waxman revealed some very secret memos of the RJ Reynolds Tobacco Company. In 1975, one executive wrote, "The Camel Brand must increase its share penetration among the 14 - 24 age group — which represent tomorrow's cigarette business." Tell me, what feelings do you have about that?

A 1986 memo noted how the cartoon camel campaign would utilize "peer acceptance/influence" to "motivate the target audience to take up cigarettes." How does that make you feel? I feel sad and angry about it.

Your conscious mind vs. your unconscious mind

So many teens tell me that tobacco ads have had absolutely no influence over them. I agree that tobacco ads will not change your conscious mind — but they may be getting through to your unconscious mind more than you realize.

What is the unconscious mind? While your conscious mind is analytical, and makes (mostly!) sensible, rational decisions, it's your unconscious mind that often throws common sense out the window. It's the creative part of our minds, and it cares little for right or wrong. It just knows what feels good or bad, regardless of the consequences.

For example, an overweight person may have made a responsible and conscious decision to diet, but their unconscious mind still remembers the sweet taste of ice cream. The conscious mind's will to diet can be overcome by the power of the unconscious mind, and the memory of delicious ice cream. "Willpower" is literally the conscious will's power to repeatedly resist the strong desires of the unconscious mind.

The story of Pavlov and his dog

The Russian scientist Pavlov used to ring a bell every time he fed his dog. Every day he would ring the same bell to call the dog to his supper. This went on for many months. One day, he accidentally forgot to put the food out, but rang the bell, thinking he had. The dog came running, wagging its tail, and Professor Pavlov was amazed to see the dog drooling — its mouth watering, as though the scent of food were in the air.

Pavlov realized that his dog had made an unconscious association between the sound of the bell and the smell of supper. His dog was salivating simply upon hearing the bell! He had "conditioned" his dog.

In much the same way, the cigarette ads we see in magazines build an unconscious association, conditioning us to make a connection between the deadly addiction of smoking and strong, positive images. In magazine ads, we see healthy young people playing sports which require breath, like tennis, windsurfing or mountain climbing. We see beautiful country scenes with campfires, or wild horses galloping. We see attractive, adult role models many teens would like to emulate — manly cowboys gathered in friendship around a campfire — and successful, independent and attractive women, who are role models for young girls.

How many weeks did Pavlov have to ring his bell before his dog finally drooled just hearing it, even though there was no food there? It didn't take too long.

Through most of the 1990's, the tobacco industry spent about $5 billion each year advertising its deadly, addictive products. Incredibly, in 1999, they increased that amount by over 50% — to $8 billion per year.

In 2000, they spent $9 billion on advertising, and in 2005, a staggering $15 billion. That's a lot of bell ringing, ladies and gentlemen!

If you're a teen who believes advertising has no effect on you, consider this: one recent study demonstrated that advertising plays a greater role than peer pressure in getting teens to smoke.

Another recent study proved that the three most heavily advertised brands are the same three brands most chosen by teens — Camels, Marlboros and Newport. If you smoke, which brand do you usually use? Probably, you use one of these three.

So many teens have asked me, "So how come tobacco advertising is legal, if smoking is so bad for you? Why don't they just ban tobacco ads?" Here's why.

The Constitution, of course, is the historic document which created our great system of government. After completing it, the great men who wrote it realized they needed to add on to it, or amend it. The First Amendment provided for Freedom of Speech.

The First Amendment means that if I choose, I can stand up on this stage and say publicly, The sky is purple! In my opinion, it's purple, and the clouds are green! But if I lie, I will probably not sell too many videos or books, and the market will quickly sweep me aside.

Nonetheless, Freedom of Speech protects my right to say what I like in public. Sadly, it also protects the tobacco industry's right to say what they like in their advertising, and to place tobacco displays in stores.

The world is not a perfect place. That's one of the messages in my initiation into life, which I'll give you before we say goodbye. Until now, we adults have done our best to shield your eyes from the bad in the world. It's time to gently open your eyes to the fact that there is indeed some bad out there. In my opinion, tobacco advertising is part of that, and it should be banned or severely restricted. A private citizen should have every right to free speech, of coursed. But to my mind, advertising is quite a different kind of speech.

So for now, just because you see tobacco products in stores in attractive displays, it doesn't mean cigarettes are a normal, acceptable American product like chewing gum or candy.

Let this knowledge empower you. Remember what I have said when you see tobacco ads and displays in stores.

Chewing tobacco was popular around 1900, but after cigarettes became fashionable, less and less people used dip tobacco, and it nearly disappeared. By the 1950's and 60's, very few people chewed.

When the U.S. Tobacco Company began their ad campaign to re-launch their chewing tobacco products, they advertised on TV and in print media. But they did something few people knew about.

US Tobacco and others paid grocery stores and convenience stores all across the nation huge amounts of money to place chewing tobacco displays on store countertops everywhere. Without those payments from Big Tobacco, countertop displays of tobacco products would quickly be removed.

As we discussed earlier in the section about tobacco advertising, countertop dip tobacco displays created a false impression among too many young people. Many assumed, Lots of people must want these products. If the store puts them right on the countertop, they must be popular. Dip became popular in large part because young people were deceived into thinking it was a popular product, and also acceptable. After all, there was the dip tobacco, right on the countertop — often alongside the chewing gum and candy, where the eyes of children are sure to look.

Many of our young see tobacco displays every day, and have since they were very small. Do you remember seeing them?

Millions of kids got fooled. Day after day, month after month, year after year, seeing those displays in convenience stores, many were curious and eventually tried dip. Too many then became addicted and of course, regular customers. And U.S. Tobacco began making big profits.

Another problem with these displays was, it was far too easy for youth to steal cigarettes or chewing tobacco. They often faced conveniently away from the cashier, where tobacco was easy for kids to shoplift.

In some States, laws have been passed requiring stores to keep the displays behind the counter, out of reach. In some States, they are starting to cover them with plastic.

Sean Marsee had won 28 medals at track meets. He was a very popular and respected athlete at his high school. Thinking it was safe, Sean began chewing dip tobacco in his mid-teens.

One day Sean came home and his Mom noticed a bulge in his lower lip. "What's that, son?" she asked him. A little embarrassed, Sean said,

"Well, uh, I been dippin', Mom. Hey, my teammates do it."

"Son, you've always been a responsible boy. I'm sure you'll make a smart choice about this." She smiled bravely.

A few days later, Sean came home and told his Mom, "Mom, I thought about it, and I'm gonna quit, no problem." A few days passed, and Sean came home. This day he looked troubled.

"I tried to quit the dip, Mom. I can't do it."

"That's ok, son, try again. I believe in you."

But Sean tried again, and failed to quit. He tried again and again, but he could not stop.

His mother Betty was a registered nurse. She begged her son to quit, but he was just unable to.

It was Sean who had rescued his younger sister last winter, when she fell through the ice on the lake. He was the hero of the family, and he was increasingly respected in the town, also for his success on the track field. He was becoming a man now, and she had to let him make his own choices. So after a while, Betty gave up trying.

A few months passed. One day Sean came home and told his mother, "Mom, my tongue hurts."

"OK, son, let me see." He showed Betty a red sore the size of a half dollar on his tongue, with a hard white core in the middle.

"Oh my," she said. "We'd better get you to the doctor." At the hospital, the doctor performed some tests.

A few days later, Sean was lounging around the house watching TV, like he always did. The the phone rang, and he heard his mother answer in her bedroom, like she always did. A few minutes later, he heard his mother's muffled sobs through her closed door. He went into her room, and softly put his hand on her shoulder. "What's wrong, Mom?"

"Son, you have cancer in your tongue," she sobbed. They went back to the hospital, where Sean was shocked to learn he had to have most of his tongue cut out. He would never be able to talk again. He was 18 years old.

"Can I still run in the track meet on Friday?" he asked the doctor in a slightly trembling voice. The doctor said, "Yes son, you can run in the track meet on Friday. But after that, I need you to come in here." I don't know how he did that day, whether he won or lost, but he did his best, which is what sport is. After the meet, Sean went in for the operation to remove much of his tongue.

People from the town sent cookies and cakes to the Marsee family, but Sean had a feeding tube up his nose and down into his stomach. He could not chew food. Visitors dropped by the house to visit him and his sisters, and his coach brought friends by after practice.

But the cancer did not go away. It spread to Sean's jaw and neck muscles. Two more operations would follow. Sean had to have much of his jaw bone removed, along with part of his nose, and some neck muscles on one side.

This was a boy who hated getting even a pimple, and kept his hair meticulously combed! He took great pride in his physical appearance. Now he felt ashamed.

Sean Marsee at age 17

Sean Marsee at age 19, just prior to his death

Patrick shows these overheads
as he tells Sean Marsee's story.

At age 19, Sean lay in bed, sad and in pain. His best friend, who had been told Sean didn't have much longer to live, came down from Chicago to see him for the last time. On first seeing Sean, his friend fought back tears, thinking of the great times he'd never get to have with Sean.

The next day, as they visited, he asked, "Sean, what if we took a photo of you like this?" But Sean shook his head, glaring, and wrote down emphatically, "No, not like this!" He was overcome with shame and embarrassment at the idea.

But his friend persisted, "What if other teens could see the photo, and learn the truth about what chewing tobacco really does?" Sean reflected on this for a while. Finally he allowed this picture to be taken, with his track medals pinned to his chest. It's his gift to you.

His friend got another idea. "Sean, what if, by some miracle, you could get a message to other teens? Do you have any words you'd like them to hear?" Sean nodded — because without his tongue he could not talk — and he gestured for pen and paper. His hands trembled and his eyes welled as he began to write, perhaps in part from the pain he was in. He struggled to write down these words, as his message to all of you: "Don't dip snuff."

And not too long after that, Sean expressed a simple affirmation of his Christian faith, and died — sad, disfigured, and in terrible, unspeakable pain.

So let's take a last look at these pictures, and thank The American Cancer Society, Sean's family, and most of all, Sean himself, for this gift. We will remember you, Sean Marsee, and learn by your tragic death at age 19. We will remember.

The story of Sean Marsee is available in greater detail here.

Our thanks to the Marsee family for allowing us to reproduce these photos. We were pleased to see that a USA Today anti-smoking column wrote of our presentation of Sean's story, "This was probably the most effective argument found online."

Chewing tobacco was made to look like a popular product when the U.S. Tobacco Company paid convenience stores to place their addictive products on countertops. Thousands of teens across the country assumed that chewing tobacco must be really popular. Eventually many teens tried it, and soon became addicted.

Remember, six out of every ten U.S. smokers started smoking before age 14. Nine of every ten smokers became addicted before reaching age 19.

In other words, almost no one will start smoking after 19! Nearly all of the tobacco industry's new customers are teens. Who are the only new recruits the tobacco companies can get? It's you — the young. How do you feel about that?

Be smart, and don't be fooled. And remember how very addicting tobacco really is.

[For middle schools:] I'm going to ask you a question in a moment. But first, I want you to keep your eyes me, stay very quiet and not talk to your neighbor. You guys are being so great today! That's how we learn, we keep our eyes on the teacher, don't talk to friends, and listen. When we listen to the teacher, we learn.

[For high schools and middle schools:] When we don't understand something the teacher says, the students who will succeed best in school raise their hands and ask questions. Remember, people who succeed best at life get help. To review, in business, a successful businessperson gets a lawyer to write the contracts, an advertising agency to create the ads, a doctor when they're sick, and so on. People who succeed ask for help. Ask your teachers and parents questions — it's good to ask, and it's okay to ask. Real men do ask for directions!

By the way, how do we study? It's called Butt Power — you keep your butt in the chair and your nose in the book. Excellence takes just a little extra effort and focus. Highlighting is good, and if you have time, go back and read what you highlighted again. And always ask questions when you don't understand.

We hear a good deal lately about the excessive homework being assigned today. If enough families speak up, schools will respond, and we will see change. So let your feelings be known about that.

In the past, it has been far too easy for children to steal cigarettes. All the tobacco companies had to do is to sit back and wait until they got addicted. It only takes 2 weeks in many cases. When you do get hooked, your cigarette addiction will cost you $1,200 per year or more to maintain — and it's possible you might never be able to stop.

So here's my question. Let's see a show of hands: How many of you know of a friend who has stolen cigarettes ? [In most middle and high schools, from 1/4 or more of the hands go up.]

That makes me feel sad. Let's have a talk about ethics. I'm going to give you three good reasons to be honest.

First, there's our relationship with our community. It really hurts our community when we are dishonest — and that means it hurts the people around us. It hurts our parents, our friends, and our neighbors. And we hurt ourselves, too.

The fact is, we are all models of ethical leadership for each other. When we do the right thing, we lead our friends in a good and honest direction. You influence your friends positively when you refuse to use cigarettes, drugs, or alcohol. If you steal, you lead your friends in a dishonest direction. And your example really does influence your friends. If you say yes to these things, you're hurting yourself and your friends.

Second, how we feel about ourselves is really important. One of the best reasons I know to be honest is that it just plain feels good. And it feels bad when we do something we know to be dishonest. For example, it's so painful to hide and tell a lie, or to keep a deep, dark secret when we have done something wrong. Guilt and shame are very uncomfortable to bear. They're very costly emotions. Telling the truth, and being honest, lightens our load and sets us free.

It's really very simple. It just plain feels so good to be honest.

[For middle schools:] Mostly I don't like secrets — the secrets of your best friends your own age are okay. But if you're carrying a deep, dark secret, or feel like you have done something really wrong, it can feel like you're carrying around a 100 pound weight everywhere you go.

I get asked this a good deal, and my answer might surprise you — don't be a NAG about their smoking habit!

That's right — don't be an anti-smoking fanatic! Instead, ask for reasonable changes.

For example, it's appropriate to let your anti-smoking feelings be known if someone smokes in the house or near you. It's okay to speak up because their second hand smoke hurts you.

But don't nag them to stop smoking. There's a big difference!

That said, it's okay to ask family members to quit smoking — but I'd recommend asking them no more than three times a year. Be brief, and try to use loving tones and words. Sandwich your request between honest compliments, and family members and friends will become more open to hearing you.

We've already seen a fine example of this today, in the earlier demonstration with the volunteers who so bravely joined me up here.

If you ask a loved one to quit more than three times per year, you're a yucky, obnoxious nag! If you deliver your anti-smoking feelings more than this, you may make them so angry that they will keep on smoking, just out of anger and stubbornness.

So honor your smoking loved ones, and treat them like adults. Don't harass them about their habit, or nag them with your anti-smoking views. Let them decide to quit smoking by themselves, when they get ready. That's often the best way to open the door for them to stop.

You do, however, get to be a pest about second hand smoke. That hurts you, so it's your business. But you don't get to nag a loved one to quit their addiction.

Remember, like we did in the demonstration, sandwich your "No" between 100% honest, positive statements. Do your best to talk about your feelings — speak from your heart. For example,

"I love being your friend, and I value our friendship. And I feel angry when you smoke. I don't want to lose you. I want us both to live for a very long time."

"Hey, Dad, thanks for taking me to the game last Saturday. I had a great time with you. And you know, I get afraid when I see you smoking. I need you to live a long time. I love you, Dad." The key is to express what you are really feeling.

Whenever you see your children do anything responsible, immediately reinforce them. Remark on it right away! For example, if one brushes their teeth or cleans up without being asked, say without hesitation, "That's terrific that you did that. You really are such a responsible young man / lady!"

The child gets the idea that they really are responsible — after all, Mom / Dad must be right (or how would dinner be on the table?)

Your child accepts just about whatever you say — so when your child says or does something wise, smart, helpful, or responsible, remark on it. You will build your child's self-confidence and self-esteem — and you will also deeply instill in them the belief — and simultaneously create the reality — that they are indeed responsible.

Later, when it comes to the teen years, you will be able to justifiably say, "Honey, I'm not worried about you, when it comes to smoking / alcohol / drugs / or the opposite sex. You're a very responsible person — so I know you'll make a responsible choice about all these things.

"On the other hand, when the parent worries, the child gets a message that they must be irresponsible. The child thinks, 'Mom looks so worried that I might smoke / use drugs / etc. Why does she get that worried face when she looks at me? Oh, I know — I must really be irresponsible. Okay, she's right, I am. So, I'll go do these things! It's who I really am!'

"Or the child says, 'Dad just called me stupid, so I must really be stupid. Okay, so I'll get bad grades. After all, I'm stupid! Dad must be right...' And so on.

Modern psychology tells us the first born is often the "hero" in the family. But try not to lavish most of your compliments on your oldest child. If the oldest child gets most of the reinforcing positives from parents, a younger sibling may later feel able to express their individuality only by taking a less than heroic road. My older sister gets the good grades, and she gets rewarded for it a lot. She is so smart! I must be the poor student. She's always getting complements about it, and it seems like I get none.

Psychologists have added that a middle child is often the "caretaker," and that the youngest child is frequently locked into the "cutie-pie mascot" role, sometimes for life. So try to let all your children be the "hero" in turn, by distributing your praise and displeasure more evenly.

Give your children lots of positives, but only when they really deserve it. A child knows when you're blowing smoke.

Telling your child you know how responsible he/she is will build your child's self-esteem, and will help them to make more responsible choices about not only smoking, but also about alcohol, drugs and other high risk behaviors, later on.

So be generous, and quick to respond with honest compliments. If this is not the usual language spoken in your family of origin — if it's not the way you were parented — then that's all the more reason to try this new idea.

Some teens take up smoking because they think it makes them look older, but it doesn't. To most people it just looks like you're making a big mistake, and like you're trying to make yourself look older.

There's no rush, you know. It's okay to be the age you are. It's okay to be yourself, right here and right now. I advise you to enjoy the present, and all the good moments your unique and special life brings you.

[At high schools] All of you are now in process of crossing the bridge from childhood to adulthood. You're moving at your own pace, and you should be. In the teen years, things can start moving more quickly, like rapids when a river gets narrow.

• It's actually normal to have very intense feelings sometimes,
  or go through a rebellious period.
  
• It's actually normal to feel as though you are apart from most everything and everybody.

This is part of the normal process of establishing your own identity and personality — apart from everyone else's. These feelings are okay, and mostly they are appropriate.

You may, for example, find yourself saying "No!" more to adults, or questioning your parents and teachers. You may find yourself easily flushed with anger, shame, joy, love or other strong emotions. All this is part of the passage to adulthood in the teen years.

Whatever you do, please don't make the mistake of risking getting addicted to cigarettes, drugs or alcohol in your efforts to set yourself apart from and establish your individuality. Remember, it often takes just two weeks for 11 to 13 year olds to get hooked on tobacco.

If you feel angry, don't turn your anger inward, on yourself — by smoking, or by becoming addicted to drugs or alcohol.

If you do, you hurt only yourself, and you may not ever be able to stop. These addictions have a very good chance of killing you. So be smart, and do your best to make responsible choices.

Cigarettes are yesterday's news — they are on the way out. If you get addicted to smoking, you'll be on the way out too.

Now we come to a very special part of my talk. Today we're going to revive the ancient tradition of initiation, largely lost to modern society.

For many thousands of years, on every continent on the globe, the older members of the tribes would take the younger ones out into the forest or desert for an initiation ritual. This was done in diverse societies all around the world. Even though they had no way to communicate with each another, people seemed to know intuitively, or by time-honored tradition, to have a ceremony to initiate adolescents, and welcome them to the world of adults.

Most initiations would last from 2 to 3 days, but some went on for longer. Initiation almost always involved making the younger ones uncomfortable, often by depriving them of sleep or food, or putting obstacles in their path.

The purpose of inflicting difficulty during initiation was to let youths know that life is sometimes hard, and that they could handle those times as they arose.

It was as though the elders of each tribe were saying,

While you were a child, we wanted to shield you from the difficulty and struggle in this world, as much as we could. But now, you're entering the adult world. To forearm and prepare you, we are letting you know in this ceremony that life will be hard at times. And you can do it. Welcome to adulthood, and welcome to life! At the end, the elders always warmly welcomed the youths into the world of adults.

I'm going to take a few moments now and initiate you. I'm not going to inflict physical pain, or conduct any rituals today. But I will inform you with much certainty that life sometimes brings hard moments and obstacles.

I believe God designed things that way for a good reason -- because it's by our struggles to succeed against adversity that we define our characters and become strong men and women. It's by staying with whatever pain and difficulty life brings us that we heal, and solve our problems — not by running away, like cowards!

So when the painful moments come, like so many adults do, don't make the mistake of altering your mood and avoiding the problem at hand, by using cigarettes, alcohol, or drugs. A lot of teens use TV, music, food or even turning on the computer and going to work.

Instead, stay with your uncomfortable feelings, and begin to solve the problem.

Don't take the easy path. Only a baby gets instant gratification. Adults have to delay gratification, and wait for it.

	I'm invulnerable — nothing can harm me.
	Taking risks with cigarettes/drugs makes me look cool to other kids.
	Smoking/ chewing/ drug use/ alcohol makes me tough.
	Mouth cancer? Lung cancer? It won't happen to me!
	I can stop anytime.
	I'll never be a smoker / alcoholic / drug addict.
	I'll never get a disease from smoking or chew.
	Athletes chew. It must be safe.
	I'll never get AIDS.

Sean Marsee died at 19 from chewing tobacco. You'll never get AIDS? Just ask a teen who's HIV-positive, and who may have their life cut short by that disease. You won't get addicted? Ask a teen drug addict or a teen alcoholic. This is very, very sad.

In 1988, the cartoon figure Joe Camel was introduced. An important CDC study found there was a huge and mysterious upsurge in the amount of teen smoking between 1988 and 1998. In those ten years, teen smoking in the US increased by a staggering 73%! At the time, learning this made me sad, and made me angry, too.

Fortunately, since 1998, smoking has begun to trend downward again among middle and high school students, partly as a result of the increased spending on tobacco prevention campaigns in some States. In October 2001, Health and Human Services Director Tommy Thompson announced a new study showing a dramatic 30% drop in the rate of new teen tobacco addiction.

But what caused the huge 1990's upsurge in teen smoking? One CDC study said there were two major factors to blame. First, it blamed cigarette ad campaigns which targeted the young, such as Joe Camel and the Marlboro Man. Second, the study said that smoking by movie stars in films and TV had played an important role.

But there is one factor which went unexamined, and which I believe was another significant reason for the 1990s increase in teen smoking. During the 90's, many teens began havi